Year in Review

This time last year a wildness came over me. My body knew what was coming, but I didn't. The next day began what would be 68 hours labor. Painful, exhausting, contractions. The following Sunday evening baby Jack was born.

Sitting here tonight, remembering Jack's first year and also being 29 weeks pregnant, I can't believe he's days away from turning 1; and I can't believe that I'm about to do it all over again. Recounting the year, it was amazing, wonderful, challenging, and wonderful again. It was all about Jack.

The first few weeks postpartum are measured in seconds. Pat and I spent hours staring at Jack. I wanted to relish every thing about him, and yet on the other hand I asked myself, "is this what I'm supposed to do? Just look at him all day?" Time was arbitrary and morning bled into night. Our schedule was the baby's schedule. My entire focus collapsed so that all I thought about was right there in front of me. Nothing beyond our walls mattered, nor did I have the time or brain power to give it any consideration.

The next moment I remember is when Jack turned 11 weeks. This was the magical time when he slept through the night. After that, we would spend the next 3 months catching up on lost sleep.

Then we got married! ...and the next week we got pregnant again.

9 months... that is when something changed for us. Jack's personality came to life. He could crawl, feed himself, giggle. He even played little games like peek-a-boo and showed signs of being a shy guy in new company. Since then he has turned into this little guy who is so much fun. He walks, he babbles, he plays with toys. He's absolutely awesome.

At the same time, we've gotten a lot better at being parents. In the beginning, everything from changing his diaper to putting him in the car seat, and exiting the house was so hard. Pathetic as this may sound, we're simply better now at functioning with a baby. Things like going to the grocery store, hanging out with him and appeasing his desires are all easier.

In general, I think that Pat and I would say that the transition into parenthood was hard. And that's not because the baby isn't absolutely wonderful - it's because it's hard work to be a parent! Beyond that, as a couple and as individuals, we've had to carve a new role for ourselves as parents. It has been an amazing, incredible experience so far and we're both so grateful and so happy.

We celebrate Jack's first birthday this week. I cannot believe it has already been a year. Time has never gone by so quickly, and on top of that, every week that goes by I'm closer to having another little chicken in the house. Ready to do this all over again? :-)

Baby Mush: Banana Blueberry Pudding

Banana Blueberry Pudding 
(baby mush that tastes good to parents too)

Ingredients:
1 banana
handful of blueberries

Recipe:
Place banana (still in its peel) on a pan and bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Remove from oven (the peel should be blackened).
Blend banana (without peel), a handful of blueberries and a splash of soy milk.
The consistency will be like a smoothie, however it will tighten up after its sits in the fridge. Put the mixture in a tupperware and store in the fridge. When you remove it, it will have the consistency of pudding. Yum!

I'd give you a picture, but I've already eaten half of it. Here's a better one:

Must-Have Baby Items

Must-have baby items

·        rock n play - baby sleeps in this and it's super light weight so you can carry it and the baby into whatever room you're in.

·         swing or bouncy chair - when you want to be hands-free, this is essential.

·         jumper – yes, another place to put the baby. When you want to accomplish other things like cooking, going to the bathroom, cleaning etc, then you’re going to want to be able to put the baby down.

·         pacifiers – buy 5 +. they get spread out all over the house like chapstick.

·         changing table setup - table, mattress pad, sheet.

·         boppy pad liners – these go over changing pad sheet. When it gets dirty you can just wash this instead of sheet.

·         diapers - only 1 package of newborns, otherwise size 1.

·         vaseline - essential if you have a boy and he gets circumcised.

·         wipes or square gauze - they'll give you gauze at hospital which is useful for dipping in water to clean off the baby.

·         no newborn outfits, start with 3 months – companies make these items to be obsolete, they shrink when you wash them. After the baby is 8 pounds they won't fit anymore.

·         boppy pillow - for nursing and for sitting baby in.

·         breast friend pillow – it straps on which is nice. Having both boppy and breast friend is handy when nursing (mostly in the beginning when the baby is really small… after a while mom will find different ways to hold the baby and won’t need these anymore).

·         nursing bras and zip up outer shirts - versus shirts that pull over the head. These are so much easier to use when nursing and you don’t have to pull your shirt up. In regard to sizing, keep in mind mom’s boobs will get even bigger after her milk comes in.

·         medela pump bra – the plastic pieces fit into this bra so that mom can pump hands free.

·         receiving blankets – take a few from the hospital!

·         baby outfits - zip up outfits or button ups are so much easier to put on then onesies that pull over the head. Short sleeve onesies are best because you can put these on and a long sleeve zip up over it.

·         socks – these double as gloves. You won’t need shoes for a while.

·         car seat with one extra base (for second car) - if the car seat doesn't come with extra padding around the head, get an add on baby head cushion so head stays steady in moving car.

·         snap and go - much lighter weight and smaller than stroller. Great for grocery shopping, quick trips into a store when baby is little.

·         bundle-me - sleeping bag to go in car seat during winter months.

·         stroller – we like the city mini but there are a ton of choices.

·         bottles with slow drip nipple – buy at least 6 and get the 8 oz bottles rather than the smaller ones because the baby will be eating 6+ ounces as early as a couple of months.

·         baby k'tan - great sling for mom to hold baby close to body. It doesn’t last long because the baby will outgrow it but it’s really nice to have in the beginning.

·         baby bjorn/ergo or other carrier - great for dad to hold baby in and lasts longer because you can face baby outwards.

·         baby tub

·         baby wash cloths and baby towels – having a bunch of wash cloths is nice because you’ll use two for every bath (one warm one to put over their belly and one for washing).

·         thermometer for measuring bathwater temperature or a tub that has one built in. We have the aquatub which has a thermometer built in, which was great in the beginning but it broke pretty much immediately when it got water into the UI. The right temp is ~95 degrees.

·         sophie the giraffe - we haven't used this yet but everyone says it's a must have when they start teething.

·         baby books

·         crib, mattress, sheets – if you have the rock n play then the baby won't need a crib for a few months.

·         night lights and lamp dimmers for night-time feedings – this is essential!! You do not want to wake up the baby any more than to feed at night so it’s easier to put him/her back down.

·         baby clothes hamper – when the baby’s clothes are wet with pee or other then you don’t want them mixing with your clothes!

·         play gym – this is a mat with some toys hanging over it. You can lay the baby down and he/she can reach up towards the toys and stay entertained for a bit.

Good books for mom and dad

·         Dude, you're gonna be a dad

·         Babywise (don't read until after delivery. talks about how to get baby on a schedule and to sleep through night – and it works!)

Don't buy:

·         nipple cream (they'll give you prescription grade at hospital)

·         breast milk pump (don't buy one - you can get this free through insurance. they'll give you the info at the hospital and the company will ship it to your door within days after delivery)

·         bottle sanitizer – you can wash them in the dishwasher

·         monitor – this really depends on your house. We don’t need one because we live on a single floor and we can hear the baby anywhere. If I had a larger house I would get one with a visual monitor, mainly to make sure blankets don’t go over the baby’s head.

Lastly - a bottle of wine and a big hug :-)

Birthing Baby Coyle

Now that I've crossed the finish line of birthing baby Coyle it seems silly to recant the difficulty of labor. But boy - was it hard.

People have been asking me up until this point, "I wonder what you think will be harder - doing an Ironman or birthing your baby." Never having doubted the answer - definitely birthing the baby.

The feelings of pain between an endurance event and labor are so different. Painful contractions feel like enduring a fresh injury that repeats every 5-10 minutes. It's like spraining your ankle and having those 30 seconds to a minute of pain - pain - pain where you need to catch your breath, gather your thoughts and wait for the sensation to recede before you can do anything else. Except, in this case that feeling is right below your gut. On bad contractions I also felt a sensation of burning fire radiating across my lower back.

In contrast to an endurance event, I would argue that at no point should you feel "pain." You can feel sore, tired, the burning sensation of lactic acid, exhaustion and the difficulty of moving forward. However, none of those sensations compare to what you can't train for - contractions.

After doing everything I could to induce the little bugger - prenatal yoga, swimming, prenatal massage, dinner at Chianti in Beverly for their legendary pumpkin ravioli inducing dish, and going for an hour and a half walk in the woods - he started making his move on a Thursday evening.

In the beginning the contractions were akin to menstrual cramping, occurring every 7-12 minutes. Over the next 24 hours they grew worse.

Generally, the hospital won't open their door to you until you're either having contractions every 5 minutes, for a minute and consistently for an hour OR until your cervix is 3-4 centimeters dilated. At 4 cm dilation they will admit you and give you an epidural, if you want one.

That second night of laying next to me in bed with contractions, Pat told me later, was horrifying for him. Every 7 to 9 minutes he'd be awoken by a moaning woman in pain. On my side of the bed, I could sleep for only a couple of minutes in between contractions before the next erupted. By early morning I had one that nearly made me puke.

33 hours.

It was 5:30 am on Saturday morning. Despite not having reached the 5-1-1 mark, we decided to head to the hospital to see what was going on.

Once we arrived, triage hooked my belly up to a monitor which showed how often the contractions were occurring. Mine were roughly 6 minutes apart. They also performed an internal exam to figure out how much my cervix was dilated.

1 cm. I would be sent home.

Frustratingly, I would watch the next 20 hours pass one contraction at a time.

...12:04 (9 min)
12:13 (9 min)
12:23 (10 min)
12:32 (9 min)
12:40 (8 min)
12:47 (7 min)
1 pm (13 min)
1:08 (8 min)
1:16 (8 min)
1:25 (14 min)
1:35 (10 min)
1:40 (5 min)
1:46 (6 min)
1:56 (10 min)...

55 hours.

My mind was shot.

It was 2 am Sunday morning and one fired off that unravelled me. I didn't care if I was not at 5-1-1. I couldn't do this anymore.

The car ride in.

Bumps on the road.

Stinging contractions.

Laying on the triage table.

The internal exam.

"You're 4 centimeters, Abigail! You did it! You've got your golden ticket to be admitted into the hospital."

A rupture of tears.

Joy.

Relief was coming.

I got the epidural almost immediately and fell into the excellent care of the MGH staff. After a few hours of being admitted and with no further dilation, I opted for the pitocin to speed up the contractions. This worked for two and a half hours until one particularly strong contraction caused the baby's heart rate to fall from the 150s to below 80.

8 staff members were in the room within seconds. A stab in the leg with some kind of concoction and a flurry of activity quickly addressed the emergency.

It was frightening to see danger to the baby. He was okay though. The good news was that those couple of hours resulted in 7 cm of dilation. However, as I would find out 7 hours later, without the pitocin I would only progress another 1 cm on my own.

67 hours.

The team, Pat and I were looking at our options -

It had taken 67 hours to reach 8 cm, 3 of which progressed to that point with pitocin, the baby didn't like pitocin, the pace between my contractions was not fast enough to dilate quicker, and probably some unknown factors too like the baby's position in my body and his size - all led us to believe that this delivery was not progressing as quickly as we wanted.

I could sit there all night. The next day and the day after. No one put pressure on us to make our decision one way or another.

Looking at where we were in the process and what was happening - we were ready to have this baby. We opted for the caesarean section.

67.5 hours.

I was prepped and in the operating room. Numbed up. Nervous. Teeth chattering. Heart tight.

Pat was escorted in and sat very close to me. His face to my forehead, I asked him to press his hands down over my shoulders. He spoke to me gently. At first about how he let my parents know what was going on and that they were on their way in to the hospital, about conversations that he had with his brothers and anything else light in topic that he could share.

He kept close as the surgery went on - telling me I was doing a great job, to breathe slowly, giving me relief by touch.

We heard his little cry.

My body was responding to the surgery and at the same time the knowledge that my baby was alive in this world.

My teeth clanked together, my chest bounced from the hard table, my breath quickened. I tried to breath slowly. In, and out. In, and out.

Hyperventilation.

He cried a little more. Looking backwards I could see Pat crying too. Now close to hysteria, I asked Pat to stay with me. My hands shook violently. My heart hurt. He held my crossed arms down on my chest to keep them from leaping straight up from the table.

In the background the surgery was going perfectly but I was a wreck. Seeing that I was loosing it, I was offered something to calm me down. Two shots later and I deflated to a more controlled state.

My head rolled to the side - and there he was. Our baby was laying in a bassinet looking straight at us.

I was looking at a whole new beautiful world.

a racing mind in late pregnancy

My mind and body are very much awake.

I feel wild with the energy to do something and at the same time sit still.

My appetite has subsided.

I'm very much aware of the feelings inside of me.

I twist my eyebrows.

I feel the push on my cervix grow stronger.

I sit straight up in bed.

I'm anxiously awaiting for the contractions to come.

I Google, "what do contractions feel like."

I walked for an hour and a half in the woods today. Toward the end of the walk I started seeing spots and became light headed. But at the same time, I felt so able, awake and alive.

The crisp tapping on the keyboard feels good on my fingers.

I wonder how I can calm down.

I wonder when he will come.

Contractions and Hiccups

Jack is officially full term, or 37 weeks. 

Despite being in my third trimester, when things are supposed to be most uncomfortable, this might be the easiest part of the process. Something changed after 31 weeks. Somehow I accepted what was going on. I accepted the changes in my body, the weight gain, the part about slowing down and having fewer expectations for myself. 

Now with only 3 weeks to go I'm both enjoying relaxing yet very aware of every new change in my body that may indicate arrival. I can feel everything. The pushing, the pressure, the feeling of getting a period. Last night I had three contractions - each of which made me clench and hold my breath. So much for lamaze.

In the meantime, some of the things that I didn't quite understand before are now making sense. The doc says that his head is down and he is laying sideways so that his back is against the right side of my belly and his arms and feet are pushing against my left side. Understanding how he is positioned accounts for the different type of pressure I've been feeling all along. The mystery of his rhythmic movements on my right side have been discovered too - hiccups! 

It's been what feels like a long journey. One that has been full of ups and downs... curiosities, surprises, learnings, changes. Throughout the process my brain has been working out the changes taking place within my own body - trying to make sense of it all. As we round the corner my focus is sliding away from my own body to him. 

I'm appreciating our last days together as a single unit. He feels so much more real to me now. We do things together - like swimming and walking. When he moves I find myself saying hi to him or rubbing his back. 

We made it this far. We've just got a little further to go and I'm praying all goes well. There's no question that we're ready.

37 weeks

37 weeks

28 weeks

Crossing The Finish Line

"It's time to start scaling back on your expectations for what you can achieve each day."

That's what my doc told me yesterday at my 31 week appointment. With only 9 weeks left, I can see her point.

It's the little things that are having the greatest effect on me now that I'm in the third trimester. Every day I'm more uncomfortable, more emotional and I become overwhelmed by things that never bothered me before.

Symptomatically, my back is doing the brunt of the work. When I lean over to pick something up, my muscles seize and it's very hard to stand up. When the baby kicks, it's no longer a flutter - it actually hurts. It sometimes even causes my uterus to contract. And yesterday when I was walking Zion, I felt dizzy from walking up a slight hill.

As I creep further and further into the third trimester, I can't help but fear what new surprise the next day will bring.

Back in the doc's office a girl who I recognized from my last appointment checked in ahead of me. In contrast to her overly styled appearance last time she was wearing super baggy sweats, Crocs, no makeup and a trench coat. At first I thought, that's cool - we're on the same schedule. I wondered how far along she was, who her doctor was and in my head I commended her for wearing comfy sweatpants, a go-to of mine as well.

Continuing to watch her as she checked in at the counter, I noticed that she was wearing a plastic wristband. Wait a second - are we not on the same schedule? I looked at her stomach and I could see for myself. She had her baby.

At once our connection was broken. She had crossed the finish line and I hadn't.

I was happy for her. Jealous. But happy for her.

She was done. She was going about her affairs as if she had never been pregnant. Except of course, now she has a baby!

I'm still stunned by this realization. But, it will happen for me as well. 9 more weeks and life will go on. Except now there will be 4 of us, including Zion.

More to come.

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