My two year return-to-Boston anniversary is coming up and as I think back on the time I've spent here I worry that I used the love and support of my family and friends selfishly to heal from a broken heart. But when I think back on the things that I did, I accomplished much more. I saw my two best friends get married and one have a baby, I trained like a maniac and I have endless memories of the beautiful and historic rolling hills of northwest Boston. I completed an Ironman. I spent lots of time with my family and I've met some really great people. I got a new and more fulfilling job and I moved to Charlestown and became a toonie.
It's easy to be nostalgic about the wonderful things we've done and seen. Just yesterday I was looking at pictures from Jackson Hole and Colorado and it left me in a sad place. I think about all the opportunities that I've had, where I am today and if I've taken the right path. My dad said yesterday, "The past doesn't matter because it's gone. What matters is what we do today and every day moving forward."
I feel guilty.
I want to go but I feel like if I do I'm giving up on this place. To whom or what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the effort - the chance that I'm giving Boston to become my home - and the realization that I don't want it. I think about what my life would be like if I settle here and my gut tells me that I don't want it. I want true freedom and the opportunity to make decisions without feeling like I have a pre-existing path set forth for me.
Boston is beautiful. But it's hard.
I took a walk in the woods yesterday with my mom and Zion, and she said "It seems like you have a heavy blanket on you. I can feel your sadness and I don't want that for you. If you think you're going to be happy in Colorado, then I want you to go. But I don't want you to go if you're going to be sad there too."
I put effort into being happy.
It's not easy to be happy here. There are road blocks. Attitudes that make it hard to go with the flow and unwind, get loose.
It's a lifestyle that I'm seeking.
In Colorado, the days are longer, the air is clearer, the vibe is open and playful. The skies are blue and the mountains are ever present. Existence is natural.
I don't want to go for the wrong reasons.
There is much that I would be leaving behind and it saddens me. But I see peace and freedom ahead of me.
