Contractions and Hiccups

Jack is officially full term, or 37 weeks. 

Despite being in my third trimester, when things are supposed to be most uncomfortable, this might be the easiest part of the process. Something changed after 31 weeks. Somehow I accepted what was going on. I accepted the changes in my body, the weight gain, the part about slowing down and having fewer expectations for myself. 

Now with only 3 weeks to go I'm both enjoying relaxing yet very aware of every new change in my body that may indicate arrival. I can feel everything. The pushing, the pressure, the feeling of getting a period. Last night I had three contractions - each of which made me clench and hold my breath. So much for lamaze.

In the meantime, some of the things that I didn't quite understand before are now making sense. The doc says that his head is down and he is laying sideways so that his back is against the right side of my belly and his arms and feet are pushing against my left side. Understanding how he is positioned accounts for the different type of pressure I've been feeling all along. The mystery of his rhythmic movements on my right side have been discovered too - hiccups! 

It's been what feels like a long journey. One that has been full of ups and downs... curiosities, surprises, learnings, changes. Throughout the process my brain has been working out the changes taking place within my own body - trying to make sense of it all. As we round the corner my focus is sliding away from my own body to him. 

I'm appreciating our last days together as a single unit. He feels so much more real to me now. We do things together - like swimming and walking. When he moves I find myself saying hi to him or rubbing his back. 

We made it this far. We've just got a little further to go and I'm praying all goes well. There's no question that we're ready.

37 weeks

37 weeks

28 weeks

Crossing The Finish Line

"It's time to start scaling back on your expectations for what you can achieve each day."

That's what my doc told me yesterday at my 31 week appointment. With only 9 weeks left, I can see her point.

It's the little things that are having the greatest effect on me now that I'm in the third trimester. Every day I'm more uncomfortable, more emotional and I become overwhelmed by things that never bothered me before.

Symptomatically, my back is doing the brunt of the work. When I lean over to pick something up, my muscles seize and it's very hard to stand up. When the baby kicks, it's no longer a flutter - it actually hurts. It sometimes even causes my uterus to contract. And yesterday when I was walking Zion, I felt dizzy from walking up a slight hill.

As I creep further and further into the third trimester, I can't help but fear what new surprise the next day will bring.

Back in the doc's office a girl who I recognized from my last appointment checked in ahead of me. In contrast to her overly styled appearance last time she was wearing super baggy sweats, Crocs, no makeup and a trench coat. At first I thought, that's cool - we're on the same schedule. I wondered how far along she was, who her doctor was and in my head I commended her for wearing comfy sweatpants, a go-to of mine as well.

Continuing to watch her as she checked in at the counter, I noticed that she was wearing a plastic wristband. Wait a second - are we not on the same schedule? I looked at her stomach and I could see for myself. She had her baby.

At once our connection was broken. She had crossed the finish line and I hadn't.

I was happy for her. Jealous. But happy for her.

She was done. She was going about her affairs as if she had never been pregnant. Except of course, now she has a baby!

I'm still stunned by this realization. But, it will happen for me as well. 9 more weeks and life will go on. Except now there will be 4 of us, including Zion.

More to come.

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Must-Have Maternity Clothing: 27 weeks pregnant

Despite the relatively short time of pregnancy, buying maternity clothes is necessary. Up until about 20 weeks I could get away with just a few changes, including buying a larger shirt size, roomier workout shorts and a couple maternity bottoms. Now at week 27 my one-size-up shirts don't cover the belly and I didn't have any casual pants to wear. Below is a small selection of my favorite maternity clothing pics for week 27. Because the sizing can be hard to figure out without trying it on, I included mine for reference.

Basic tees
Motherhood Short Sleeve Scoop Neck Maternity T Shirt $10-$16
I bought at least 10 of these tops. They're comfortable, cover up both the top and the belly and function as my first layer for everyday wear. At 27 weeks I'm in a size medium, but I can see that having a bigger size would work too. Don't dry these!

Supersoft cotton long-sleeve tee
Gap Supersoft wide-stripe crew $22.95
I love this supersoft long sleeve T. I picked up a couple at the Gap outlet. At 27 weeks I'm a size large.

Soft non-itchy sweater
LL Bean Textured Tweed Sweater, Turtleneck $39.95
LL Bean tends to produce more boxy cuts - which is great for the growing belly. I picked this up in a size medium and it still fits perfectly and has plenty of length.

Corduroy pants
Gap 1969 demi panel skinny boot cords $50-$65
I found that maternity jeans just aren't comfortable. Corduroys offer a softer and casual feel. I picked these up in a size 10 maternity. Don't forget about your local maternity consignment store though! I found my favorite pair of Gap maternity corduroys there for $14.

Yoga Pants
Lululemon Astro Pant $98
The V cut in the front of the yoga pants allows your stomach to continue to grow without feeling squeezed from the top elastic. Amazingly, my original size pants (pre-maternity) still fit fine.

Workout shorts

Brooks Glycerin 2-in-1 Run Short - Women's $23-$46

The top band of these pants offers flexibility and a comfortable feel on the belly. I picked up a size large and they still feel good now. The inner liner of these shorts has an elastic band similar to what you'd find in a biking short... I don't love this feature but the rest of the short looks good and fits well.

Maternity swimsuit
SwimOutlet.com EQ Swimwear Harmony Maternity Splice One Piece $59
My only complaint about this maternity bathing suit is that it doesn't have any additional padding in the chest - so your bustling busts have no where to hide. But, I do like how this fits. I found that my non-maternity suit no longer covered up my chest. This suit covers my chest and my butt and leaves plenty of room for my belly.

A few more items that you'll definitely need: extra large underwear (leave your ego at the door and get the largest pair of underwear you can find!), a larger sports bra, sweat pants, large soft comfy sleep shirt.

If anyone happens to live near Salem, MA - I found a great outdoor gear shop called Avalanche which carries cute pull-overs and fleece jackets for cheap. I found a pull-over for $40 and I love it.

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Positivity

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Previous Post: What's Weighing on Me

What's Weighing on Me

People kindly ask all the time "how are you feeling!?" I've come to realize that unless this person has been pregnant or is pregnant, they're really not ready for my response. I'm inclined to simply answer "good!" But the reality is a little touch and go.

The way I'm feeling now that I'm almost 26 weeks pregnant versus how I felt in the first trimester is vastly different.

In the first trimester, I was worried all the time. I read every pregnancy book I could find and was only concerned that the pregnancy would progress. I also had different symptoms then - queasiness, smelling abilities like a hound dog, soreness, insomnia... and other wonderful little things of which I'll spare you.

Somewhere in between then and now, my mind has grown to accept that I am pregnant. I've lost track of what week I am in the pregnancy, I haven't been thinking about the process as much and generally getting more used to this phenomenon.

What's weighing on me now is a little different. I've found that I'm now more emotional, more uncomfortable, and gaining weight like crazy. In the grand scheme of things, these complaints really aren't too bad. But - if you're ready to know "how I'm feeling" ... read on.

Craughing 
As a friend so aptly referred to it - I've developed an anomaly called craughing - which is a combination of crying and laughing at the same time. I'll start laughing at something, then start crying, then laugh at myself for crying... and the whole thing turns into this strange howl that I can't control. I've also found myself crying in random places, like the middle of a Walgreens parking lot when I broke down for no other reason than feeling uncomfortable.

Pillow Talk
And then there is the pillow talk, or needing a pillow to wedge under my belly when I side sleep at night. Luckily there has been a break in my nightly routine from waking up at 2:30am every morning to one that allows me to sleep through the night. And as for the other kind of pillow talk - that's a whole other story.

Exercise
I'm convinced that anyone who says they "loved being pregnant" is either on some amazing endorphins or was not an athlete beforehand (sorry peeps). The essence of "going slow" is at a whole new level with a 25 pound belly (and yes, I realize my belly does not weigh that much... it's in my a$$ and my face and everywhere else... but I'm going with it - okay!?)

Let's start with running. To warm up I move just faster than a walk which gets the stomach muscles bobbled around and loosened up. The first 15 minutes of that feels like a mild bladder infection. After about 1 mile I generally have to stop to pee. Then I get a nice little kick in performance for a few minutes until I reach my max threshold at about 20-30 minutes of movement, and then I'm done.

As for swimming, forget the rotation and pulling action. It's more akin to a bobbing walrus wafting through the water. If I pull too hard, it tightens the stomach muscles in a strange way which is pretty uncomfortable. Again, 20 minutes is about my maximum output.

I tried prenatal yoga, and loved it. It would make a non-preggie fall asleep, but the subtle movements and stretching feel great.

Thank god for walking. It's my new form of fitness. Otherwise, exercise has become an act of going slow, breathing, and getting the blood to circulate.

Weight Gain
In my head I never wanted to be that girl who gained a ton of weight during pregnancy. But - here I am... gaining more and more every day. I think my problem is that I had this expectation that I would be fit during pregnancy, and I really just need to let it go and embrace that I don't have control over my body right now. Having gained 10 pounds on back-to-back doctor visits had me shocked. Luckily, the doctors are really cool and they just try to talk you off a ledge rather than telling you you're doing something wrong - or worse - to improve your diet. I love my Doc!

Food, food and more food
What does a pregnant woman crave? The answer is, simply - food! :-) If I get even a tinge of hunger and I don't have food in front of me, I'll either start to cry or claw my way to get some. Lately, I've been leaning towards heartier offerings, including bran muffins with molasses and heavy yogurts with oatmeal. I generally lean towards cheeses, heavy carb meals and anything delicious.

Here are a couple of concoctions that I've tried and enjoyed lately:

Farmgirl Susan's Bran Muffin Recipe
2 cups (5¾oz / 164g) organic wheat bran
1 cup (5oz / 141g) organic oat bran
1 cup (6oz / 170g) organic whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons (12g) baking soda1 teaspoon (6g) baking powder1/2 teaspoon (4g) salt2 large eggs
2/3 cup (5oz by weight / 156g) milk
2/3 cup (5½oz / 156g) yogurt
1/3 cup (2¼oz / 65g) safflower oil (or other neutral oil or melted organic butter)
1/3 cup (3¾oz / 108g) honey
1 teaspoon (6g) pure vanilla extract (optional)


1/3 cup (3¾oz / 108g) sweet molasses (not blackstrap) or cane syrup

Instructions:
Place an oven rack in the middle of the oven and heat the oven to 375°. Grease a standard size muffin pan or line the cups with unbleached baking cups.

Combine the wheat bran, oat bran, whole wheat flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl and set aside. Combine the eggs, milk, yogurt, canola oil, molasses, and honey in a small bowl and mix well. (Note: you can use all honey or all molasses instead if desired.)

Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix with a rubber spatula just until combined.

Generously fill the muffin cups with batter. I use a large stainless steel scoop, which is also great for portioning out cookie dough.

Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 20 to 25 minutes. Cool the muffins in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, then carefully remove them and serve warm, or let them cool on a wire rack.

Y-Oatmeal Bomb (my own concoction)
1 serving size container of strawberry Chobani yogurt
1/2 cup oatmeal
sprinkle of cinnamon
1 banana (or other fruit)
1 tablespoon finely chopped walnuts
1 teaspoon flax seed

Instructions:
Mix it up and enjoy.

I'd give you the recipe for smarties and other little goodies I eat... but I think you may already know how to find those :-)

So - to answer the question "how am I feeling?" ... the answer is pretty good! However, there are unmistakable ups and downs. Of course, I wouldn't change the scenario for anything, but it is fun to banter about it now and again.

Previous Post: We've been waiting for you 
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We've been waiting for you

And reading about you.... I picked up a book written by a Doula which provides insights on the actual birthing process. It's giving me a lot to think about. Some of the topics that it has me pondering are getting a walking epidural, squatting the baby out or using a birthing position that leverages gravity, laboring down and lubricant. And no - I had no idea any of those things were topics of birthing before reading this book. 

The book implies that women in labor don't get the attention or emotional support that they need at a typical hospital - that is without the assistance of a doula or a midwife. I suppose that I can believe that given that nurses and doctors may be constantly checking on you but not sitting by your side the whole time. It's an appealing concept to have a doula there to talk you through the event and to suggest different positions to relieve pain or help with things like "laboring down" - which is the natural process of the baby lowering into the ready position. 

The book also implies that more drugs and surgical procedures are used without the presence of a doula. In general I'd rather use smaller doses of drugs and avoid having a c-section, if possible. Friends tell me that even when they can't feel a thing after having an epidural that they can still push. If I can handle the pain then I'd like to feel something - so that I feel more in control and involved in the process and to avoid the potential side affects of lowering blood flow to the baby.

There's so much more to learn about all of these topics and so much more to discuss. Luckily I have Pat and I'll be relying on him heavily throughout the process. Of course, neither one of us know much about what's going on but doing it together is pretty awesome!

Previous Post: Belly pics: watching #babycoyle grow
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Belly pics: watching #babycoyle grow

8 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks

16 weeks

19 weeks

19 weeks

20 weeks

20 weeks

21 weeks

Hello World

So – I’m pregnant.

And - it’s pretty awesome.

Golly – let’s just start with – how afraid was I that this would never happen?! I was so afraid that I would never find the right guy and that I would never get to this point – and then all within one year I meet my guy, get engaged and get preggie! Halleluiah!

The process of being pregnant has been fascinating. At first I didn’t believe that I was actually pregnant, and now that I’m almost 19 weeks I’m still in denial that I’m actually showing and that it’s not just a food baby.

Let’s start from the beginning:

Finding Out

I was officially home in Boston for less than a month and boom – I got pregnant. 8 pregnancy tests later and I was still thinking, nah…

I was in complete disbelief.

I’ve been wanting this but it was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that “I, in this moment am pregnant.”

The first few weeks of knowing were bizarre.

First off - I was completely paranoid that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that my fallopian tube was going to explode any day. Then I realized that instead of just feeling crampy, I would probably be in pain and bleeding – so I decided that I was probably ok.

I didn’t have health insurance at the time so I never got to validate from a doc that I was pregnant. Every home-pregnancy-test that I took had a vague and not so clear line – so I just wasn’t sure. Finally, at the 9 week appointment the doc told me that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit (it’s normally the size of a fist) and that if I were having an ectopic pregnancy then I would have had surgery by now!

Still – this all seemed so unbelievable. I couldn’t make excuses for my symptoms, however. Having those is what told me I must be pregnant.

The First Sign - Sore Mams

When wearing a sports bra becomes more comfortable than a normal bra – you know something is out of the ordinary. The extra soreness happened almost immediately. Laying in bed on my stomach felt like a mammogram. The act of putting on a bra was most similar to someone grating sandpaper over my nipples. It was not pleasant.

Everything Smells Rotten

There are a few things that I could gag at with just a passing thought – uncooked ricotta being one of them. I was at swim practice and the word ‘ricotta’ popped into my mind and I nearly barfed in the pool.

I always hate the smell of all-day-worn cologne, but the smell was even more repulsive now. Everything in the fridge reeked. The rugs smell. My car smells. Walking by a restaurant when they’re blowing their nasty fried food smell out the vents made my head swivel. Cigarette smoke was pungent. Basically – everything with a smell was horrible.

Queasy

Listen, I’m thankful that the headliner here doesn’t read “barfing my face off”. I haven’t puked yet, thank god. But queasy, a little nauseas, feeling a little pukey – yep, I got all of that. Luckily, the yuck feeling faded away since about 8 weeks.

Tired

I think I’ll just take a little nap.

2 hours later…

That happened about every day until week 9.

I got a boost when my doc said I could exercise all I wanted as long as I kept a conversational pace. She also upped the heart rate from 140 to 160, noting that I would be able to tell if I was overdoing it because I would start to feel crampy. That gave me some confidence to stop being a wimp and to go ahead and swim and not be a total slacker.

Digestion and Constipation

What’s for desert tonight, Colace or Metamucil? All of a sudden my metabolism plummeted to that a 90 year-old women. The pregnancy hormones slow down the way food is processed through your body to send more nutrition off to the baby, and in turn… everything gets stuck.

This may have been the most frustrating symptom. Even worse, if I ate something that was bad for me it was now curdling in my system for days and making me feel like I had food poisoning.

Amazingly though, somewhere in the last couple of weeks this symptom has let up.

Starting to Show

Some people say that they don’t see a difference for a while – not for me. I saw my waistline change almost immediately. My body was like an elastic band stretching in every which way until it found its comfort zone. Now at 19 weeks I’m definitely showing but still in denial that this isn’t just a food baby. Generally, it’s more fun now to be showing rather than feeling strangely bloated and out-of-the-normal yet undetectable that you’re pregnant to other people.

Gaining Weight

For the first 12 weeks I gained 1-2 pounds and in the last 6 weeks (from 12 to 18 weeks) I gained about 8-9 pounds. The cumulative affect when I got on the scale was shock and horror. I hadn’t seen that number on the scale since college. The nurses and doctors assured me that the amount of weight I’ve gained is normal – but it took some convincing. Some people say that it comes on at different times in your pregnancy. I’m wondering if that may be the case for me too. I really do feel like the my body just didn’t know what end was up for the last couple of months and that its now finding a more comfortable place. Hopefully the weight gain will even out from here.

Insomnia

I started writing this at about 3:30 am. Nuff said.

Heartburn

I’ve had a couple of heartburn attacks, and they really suck. And they say it gets worse further into the pregnancy. Crossing my f ingers now.

Cravings

In hindsight, there were a few things that I definitely enjoyed eating more than others especially in the first 12 weeks. I craved lemonade… really anything with a lemon in it – popsicles, juice, whatever. I ate a ton of fruit (although it’s summer and that’s fairly normal for me anyway) and I loved grill cheese sandwiches. Veggies were a no-go, fried food was disgusting (except homemade grill cheese), and my desire for carbs has gone way up. Coffee, soda and alcohol repulsed me, but now I can drink decaf without a problem.

At this point the smells and funny feelings have long passed and I’m able to pretty much eat anything.

“Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby”

My friend Kris told me early on, “healthy mom, healthy baby” and to think positively. Those words have been comforting because all anyone wants is for things to progress well and healthily – but no one can control what happens in utero.

All in all I’m feeling pretty good!

The process has been wonderful so far and we’re looking forward to what’s to come!

AT Hiking: Lonesome Lake and Kinsman Ridge Trail

Now that I'm back East and away from my beloved vistas of Colorado my goal is to expose myself to the beauties that exist here and paint my mental map of Northeast. Heck, we have the Appalachian Trail that runs through the Berkshires of Western Mass through the Green Mountains of Vermont to New Hampshire's White Mountains and onward to Mount Katahdin in Maine. People travel from all corners of the world to check out what I've got in my backyard.

With help from some friends, Sam Moulton and Kendall Chun, I got hooked up with the AMC maps for the White Mountains and some ideas on where to go with Zion. Sam suggested doing the Old Bridle Path loop up to Mount Lafayette and hiking along Franconia Ridge; or doing a loop just south of that spot up to Mt Liberty. Of the two, the Mt Liberty loop looks more do-able for a day hike, but steep. Since this is early season still I knew there could be ice and snow still on the trail, less now than in other years due to our lack of snowfall this year, but even so I decided to avoid that one. After inspecting the map a little closer I spotted a loop just south of Cannon Mountain Resort that would take me past an AMC hut with some options to hike longer.

I never calculated the whole distance out because I figured I would just hike up to the hut and decide from there where to go based on how much energy I had. It all worked out, after all I am writing to tell about it, but gosh it ended up being a strenuous day.

Two miles into the hike I arrived at the intersection of Lonesome Lake Trail and Kinsman Ridge. I could hike 1 mi up to Cannon Mountain, or hike 2.4 mi along Kinsman Ridge...still leaving me with a decent distance to cover to complete the loop. With too much energy left to turn around, I looked up the Kinsman Ridge Trail which was fairly steep and sparsely covered with melting ice. Hoping it wouldn't get too much worse in other sections, I decided to take my chances and do the whole loop. 

In addition to the 2 mi I had already covered, the loop would take me along Kinsman Ridge Trail (2.4 mi) down Fishin' Jimmy Trail (1.9 mi) past the hut then back to the car (1.6 mi). I was a little nervous to take this on alone especially with the spring conditions and I knew I would be pushing it to complete the mileage and before dark - but I went for it anyway.

Needless to say, the conditions did get icier and steeper. But, I got into a groove of using the rocks and trees as hand holds and stepping from side to side on the trail to find exposed rock or moss for footing. I usually don't put my hands on trees or rocks for fear of touching a bug, but I got a little more fearless as the hike went on. Plus, I passed a family while descending which gave me a little more confidence knowing that I wasn't out there totally on my own. Despite the little boost, my legs were getting pretty close to giving out.

Altogether, I covered just over 8 mi. The hike was completely wooded with only a couple of views along the way and there was nothing above tree line. For all but the path up to Lonesome Lake it was tough hiking with each step requiring a huge step up or down a rock.

The AMC Lonesome Lake hut was beautifully situated overlooking the lake with a deck and docks by the water. It looks like a popular place to go with kids because it's so easy to access.

All in all, it was a great and very tiring day. Now, 2 days later my legs are still totally cooked and I'm walking one step at a time when going down the stairs. 

To do this hike:

• Park at Lafayette Campground parking lot 2 mi South of exit 34B for Cannon tramway. There are tent camping sites here but it's right next to the highway. It would be a good spot to drive to and camp overnight if you want to get an early start but not a scenic or private camping ground.
• Lonesome Lake Trail to lake (you can see hut from here) and continue on Lonesome Lake Trail to Kinsman Ridge Trail
• Kinsman Ridge Trail to Fishin' Jimmy Trail
• Fishin' Jimmy Trail to AMC Lonesome Lake Hut
• Lonesome Lake Trail to parking lot
• 8 mi and challenging

Unfolding

A friend of mine, Becky Munsterer, recently got some press on her new blog where each day she writes a new page contributing to an ever evolving story. The article explains that it's like taking old school soaps and putting a new age twist on it by delivering a daily fix by blog form. I love the idea and that it's getting attention. And in light an interesting turn of events, it made me feel guilty for not doing the exact same thing.

Since my last post about my own happiness project, incredible things started to happen.

The first thing was love.
The second thing was freedom.
The third thing was enablement.

In the last two months I skied Vail and Beaver Creek repeatedly, took a trip to Jackson Hole and Telluride, spent 10 days in Florida with my family, and moved from my beloved Denver back to Boston.

The adventures were both spectacular and enlightening. Being outdoors and harnessing its awe made my heart overwhelmingly happy and grateful. With those great feelings I found myself projecting my love and happiness onto other things.

I also found my own joy magnified in those around me.

In other words, as my happiness increased - the happiness of those around me also increased. The more I smiled at the person across from me, the more he smiled back at me. The more positive I became, the more positive he became.

Events began to unfold in the most unusual way. It was as if my "I wish" thoughts sprung to life. When I pondered how I could be back in Boston this upcoming year to be with my love, a change in work gave me the freedom to move back. With that freedom I was able to spend each day in the way that I wanted - playing outdoors and taking Zion on great adventures. The happier I became, the happier those around me became.

The amalgamation of these occurrences has been magnificent, inspired from within and yet potentially greater than me.

Seven months ago, I posted the following statement on Facebook:

Just got to believe that every move I make has a role to play, and every decision I regret had a purpose, and one day all of those steps will come together in a way that creates something glorious.

Things are unfolding in a wonderful way and I do not doubt that each one of my experiences, each accomplishment and misstep have led me to where I am today. And it's a good place to be.

As they say in yoga class... where you are is where you are meant to be.

My Happiness Project

I'm not going to tell you hold old I'm turning in two weeks, but let's just say that I'm not in my 20s anymore and it's two of the same number back to back. I suppose that has something to do with what I'm about to say.

In the notes section of my iPhone I have a list called my happiness project. Under that section I have random thoughts and reminders that I have jotted down for myself dating back to October 26th, 2010. It's interesting to look back at the things I thought were important at the time and see how I'm dealing with them now. I have a note about my sentiment when changing companies, ideas on the triathlon I want to produce, my "three things" I want out of a relationship, people's birthdays and vacations that I want to take. One note in particular that I like, posted on December 25, 2010, simply says "stop drinking, you can't sleep."

One of the things that I absolutely love about my life is that it's very social. I love hanging out with my girlfriends, I regularly go on dates (thanks to match.com) and I do fun activities on the weekends like skiing. When you're like me and pack all of that and more into one week, it's often difficult to decide which night warrants a celebratory beverage. If the girls come over - you know there is wine, if I'm on a date - you know there is beer, and at après ski on the weekends - you know there is a frosty brew.

Last summer, I gave up drinking for the duration of my brother's deployment in Afghanistan. In the first couple of weeks my sugar cravings went way up. I wanted candy or ice cream and my beverage of choice was an Arnold Palmer stacked with sugary lemonade. After a couple of months, these cravings subsided and I fell into a more normal routine. My sense of smell heightened and I could smell the sweetness of wine from across the table, my taste buds became stronger and the my clarity of thought was exciting. I could stay up later and still have the energy to leap out of bed in the morning. Moreover, I really enjoyed this way of life.

Once Dary got back, and since he was my reason for not indulging, I clicked a celebratory brew with him in August. Since then, I moved back to Colorado and I've been catching up with friends, going on lots of dates and skiing every weekend. And again, I've fallen into a pattern where it is hard to distinguish which night should be the "party" night.

On a side note, when I do partake in adult beverages I usually drink two beers, which is more than enough for me to feel the effects. Despite not having a lot to drink I still get mad at myself for having any at all. My friends say to me - Abby, it's not like you drink a lot and it's OK to have a couple of beers. I suppose I'm telling you this to give you a sense of my habits, which are not necessarily of overindulgence but rather of too frequent of indulgence, at least for my standards.

I find that even if I just have one beer with dinner when I'm out on a date that I still get mad at myself. Getting back to that note that I left myself in my phone over a year ago, which said "stop drinking, you can't sleep," I find that even half a glass of wine has the potential to disrupt my sleeping patterns as well as my energy for the next day. Moreover, I want a level of control in my life that excludes this type of behavior.

There are a couple of other things that have influenced my thought process on this matter. The first is, I'm at the age where I expect the people around me to have the discipline to not drink if they are driving and to not drink to dullness, as Ben Franklin said in his 13 virtues. My point here is that I want to act in the way that I expect others to act.

The other reason is derived from my age, my goals and what I see happening among my friends. It's no secret that I am single and want to get married and have kids. Biologically, I want to protect my assets so when time is right, I'll be ready and able to reproduce. The fact is, women are born with a certain number of eggs and those degrade over time. The scary thing is, I have friends who are trying to conceive and they are having trouble due to degrading eggs or simply because of age, literally, as pronounced by medical tests. In my own head I do believe that good nutrition and health could have a positive impact on keeping every part of my body in good working condition, including those little eggs inside of me.

I think that a compounding factor to why I enjoy beer is related to my sugar addiction. When I was training for the Ironman I believe that I subconsciously taught my body that if I was even a smidgen of tired or hungry that I should pop a chocolate gu or eat something. Despite my historic love for sugar, this habit of popping sugar bites has transcended into my every day life. At work the thought will cross my mind, ooh, I'd love some chocolate right now. Or, ooh, I want some skittles. Last Friday morning as I finished up my coffee, I got one of these thoughts at 10:30am and I thought - woa, I'm addicted to sugar. I think that consuming beer satisfies that subconscious smidgen of desire to pop some sugar in my mouth and quench that little urge.

Hinging on the New Year and what I felt should be my resolutions, I decided last Friday to go cold turkey on alcohol and sugar.

A week later I'm in the airport, heading home from a business trip and find a book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I found that her reason for taking on a year of happiness, as the book describes, closely parallels many of the things I've thought about in my own life. Despite the fact that I'm in an amazing phase of my life and bursting with more happiness than I remember having in years, I still have times when I think - wow I'm so lucky and I have so much, so why is it that I fail to appreciate it more in the moment?. She goes on to list the things that make her happy, and I did the same in the notes section of my iPhone, once again.

My list of things that make me happy looks like this:

• Exercise, walking Zion every morning, fresh air
• Skiing in powder with friends
• Socializing
• Being busy, resting when needed
• Being aware, awake and alive (not drinking alcohol, like caffeine)
• Having control of my health (no candy)
• Good reputation at work
• Being influential, thoughtful and wise
• Good conversation to pass time or contemplate my new big idea
• Being productive
• Family
• Enjoying nature, being natural
• Reading vs electronic stimulation
• Laughing
• Feeling loved, loving others, seeing Zion happy
• Getting up and outside early in the morning
• Sun and blue skies
• Cleanliness and order
• Cooking / baking

As I turn 33 (oops! I told you) and celebrate this year by acting like the person that I want to be, I see no reason to not start my own happiness project. In the book, Gretchen adds a new theme each month. I already have my first theme (cold turkey on alcohol and sugar) and some ideas for other things that I want to do. One that isn't listed above, because I've never really done it before, is volunteering. I also really like the idea of getting up early in the morning to enjoy the best part of the day and pushing myself to be more consistently industrious at work and life.

Regardless of what I decide to be the most important activities on my happiness list, I am vowing to myself to stop doing things that I don't like and act like the person that I want to be.