Peeing on the Bus

I'm riding on the megabus from Boston to NYC, and during my first pit stop of the night, I was quickly reminded of how lucky men are when in need of peeing on a bus. Firstly, and perhaps the most important point, they don't have to sit down or hover. This becomes critically important when riding on a sub-standard bus, such as the Fung Wah, aka the bus that transports dead bodies from Boston to NY, or when riding in any third world country bus. The problem, is that the seat height and further back than normal placement of the bowl make it nearly impossible to hover, especially if you are average height, such as myself. So if there are complications in the bano, such as pee on the seat or worse, defecation, then you are f'ed. Defecation you ask? Yes, I have seen this. In fact, the situation was so grim, that I had to figure it out.

On a 20 hour cross country ride from Merida, Venezuela to Playa Colorada, I had to pee. There would not be a stop for hours, so I check out the bano. I'm not kidding when I say that there was shit splattered on every single wall of the bano. So, I did what anyone would, nearly wretch and return to my seat. Now an hour has gone by, and another hour... I have got to pee. I knew it was just a matter of time before I had to face the shit splattered bano again. So I return to the bano for a second recon mission to see if a pee would be possible. Needless to say, there were no tools to help the situation, and I mean obvious ones like toilet paper, running water with soap... These nice to haves don't exist in Venezuela. I return to the crime scene and It was just as dyer as how I remembered it. Shit everywhere, on the walls, seat, floor, everywhere. So I did what any person would do who had already seen it all and experienced it all (at this point I had been working and living in Venezuela for 3 months). I held my breath, grabbed the oh shit handle, and unable to back up far enough to hover over the bowl (due to shit on seat and further than normal back placement of the bowl) I peed all over myself. Yep, that's right, i peed all over myself. Elated that I had peed and hadn't gotten shit on myself, I returned to my seat with a smile.

Back to the point, it is much easier to be equipped like a man when in need of peeing on a bus.