Match.com – Dating Diaries

***Note: I am very sorry if you are reading this and you are one of my dating diary examples. Please forgive me.***

Real Men Don’t like Burberry

It’s a Saturday afternoon and I had just met up with a new Match date about 6 minutes earlier. Due to location we decide to take a stroll down Newbury Street. For those of you familiar, we started walking on the Arlington side and one of the first stores we pass is Burberry.

Here’s how the conversation ensued:

Match Date: I really like Burberry.
Abby: Really?
Match Date: Yea, I really like their stuff.
Abby: Huh. I’ve just never heard someone say that before.

In my head, the following conversation ensues:

Match Date: I really like Burberry.
Abby: Really? I don’t know anyone who likes Burberry.
Match Date: Yea, I really like their stuff.
Abby: Huh. I’ve just never heard someone say that before because #1, that shit is so ugly and insanely expensive. #2. you’re a dude and one of the first things you tell me about yourself is that you like high end fashion!? What does that say about you? #3, Are you trying to tell me that you make enough money to spend it on expensive things?

….In a split second… the following thoughts zip through my mind: Real men don’t like Burberry. You probably spend your weekends shopping and not doing fun stuff like skiing and god forbid you break a sweat. You probably take too much time getting ready in the morning and not enough time pleasing your woman. I want a real man and I can tell you right now that no man that I’m going to be into is going to like Burberry. Are you f&*king kidding me? You’re out.

... And then I spent the rest of the afternoon with a complete stranger who I knew was not a match for me.

Freak Out

After having a minor crazy moment myself, I am happy to report on someone else’s freak out session rather than my own. It’s a funny thing that happens when emotions are tampered with. The story of love is almost always preceded by moments of anxiety, stress, anger, and feeling left out to dry. It’s the part about being single that sucks. After snapping out of my funk, I have to admit that I felt a lot stronger when I saw male-craziness directed at me six-fold of what I dealt out the week before.

The below note was written by a guy through Match.com. He originally sent me a fairly long and nice note. I never replied and here is his follow-up freak out note to me:

Dear MtnGirl2010,
I have to admit that because of you I'm beginning to question the wisdom of a computer generated report on dating compatibility. According to match.com we have a lot in common. It says that we're a mutual match and that I'm looking for a woman like you and you are looking for a man like me. Obviously, match.com made a mistake somewhere. Despite our various areas of compatibility you didn't even feel inclined to reply to my email with a line, perhaps, just to thank me for my interest.

Look, its not my intent with this email to make you feel uncomfortable. I don't actually have the need for an email thanking me for my interest. But as an intelligent woman, I think you get my point. A reply would be the natural, logical thing to happen. So now, I'm questioning whether online dating is really worth our time.

I think that in theory it has the right elements. It shows us one or more pictures of the person selected by the computer to be on our list of possibilities. It shows many areas of compatibility or lack of it to help us make up our minds. It even allows people to write freely about who they are and what and who they're looking for. Still, I think it has failed in our case.

But who knows? Perhaps match.com is right about the basic elements of compatibility, but wrong about human nature. What if when presented with many options we tend to endlessly look for the absolute perfect match. In the real world out there we're normally limited by our environment, the places we visit, the activities we engage in. But here, a whole world of possibility is open for our taking. I think that's a real danger. The ease with which technology presents us with so many options might lead us to an endless search for that ideal person.

On the other hand, it could be something else entirely. It could be that with the power of technology we're misled into thinking that we can have absolute control in choosing the ideal mate. That the system can become some sort of a magic lamp where we express our wishes in detail and the genie magically presents them to us. The problem is that absolute control does not exist. We're not machines. We're complex human beings who react to life in a, sometimes, very unpredictable fashion.

But even if we had that kind of control in choosing a mate, it would take away the spontaneity of life. The unpredictability that makes life more interesting and exciting.

But anyway, this email is getting way too long. I might be wrong on all counts. It's even possible you already found your perfect match and simply forgot to get yourself out of the system. It could be that you're shy or too busy. Or that you really didn't see anything in my profile that caught your interest. Still, I think it's important to remember that we are "people" caught up in a "virtual" world looking for someone who could bring something positive to our "real" lives in the forms of companionship, friendship, and love. So, I think it would be wrong for us to behave selfishly as if we simply don't care. And I have to admit I've been guilty of that too.

So, as action or inaction can have an impact, your inaction has caused me to think about this and re-evaluate my values, attitudes, and ideas. The result is positive. I have no one else to thank but you.

Thank you and best of luck in your search.

- Match.com Dude

Again, thank god it was him, and not me.

Learn Yer Lesson

Today I signed off of Match.com. Like my previous experience on Match, I found that it’s like finding a needle in a haystack to connect with anyone who is compatible with you. Of course, there are incredible stories of people who have found their spouse through Match, which is awesome. The reality is that Match.com shows you pictures, it gives you the facts about someone and a little explanation about what they like to do. It doesn’t show you personality, it doesn’t show you how someone interacts with a group, and it doesn’t show you how they would treat you or if they are fun, kind, and caring.

My biggest lesson, following my week of dating anxiety, was that I need to do what is best for me. I am happiest when I’m with my friends and my family… with people who really care about me. Not only do I need to remember to spend time with the people who I care about, but I also need to focus on doing the things that are fun for me. Rather than bending myself to fit into someone else’s program, I need to stick with what makes me tick. I figure, if I’m going to invest my time looking for a needle in a haystack on Match, then I may as well redirect my time doing something that I would want to do anyway like join a cycling or running group, or attend more swim team socials.

The final lesson is that if he’s interested, he’ll initiate the next move. Period.

On that note, I’m walking away… feeling stronger then when I entered, and with a few lessons under my belt.