Hello World

So – I’m pregnant.

And - it’s pretty awesome.

Golly – let’s just start with – how afraid was I that this would never happen?! I was so afraid that I would never find the right guy and that I would never get to this point – and then all within one year I meet my guy, get engaged and get preggie! Halleluiah!

The process of being pregnant has been fascinating. At first I didn’t believe that I was actually pregnant, and now that I’m almost 19 weeks I’m still in denial that I’m actually showing and that it’s not just a food baby.

Let’s start from the beginning:

Finding Out

I was officially home in Boston for less than a month and boom – I got pregnant. 8 pregnancy tests later and I was still thinking, nah…

I was in complete disbelief.

I’ve been wanting this but it was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that “I, in this moment am pregnant.”

The first few weeks of knowing were bizarre.

First off - I was completely paranoid that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that my fallopian tube was going to explode any day. Then I realized that instead of just feeling crampy, I would probably be in pain and bleeding – so I decided that I was probably ok.

I didn’t have health insurance at the time so I never got to validate from a doc that I was pregnant. Every home-pregnancy-test that I took had a vague and not so clear line – so I just wasn’t sure. Finally, at the 9 week appointment the doc told me that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit (it’s normally the size of a fist) and that if I were having an ectopic pregnancy then I would have had surgery by now!

Still – this all seemed so unbelievable. I couldn’t make excuses for my symptoms, however. Having those is what told me I must be pregnant.

The First Sign - Sore Mams

When wearing a sports bra becomes more comfortable than a normal bra – you know something is out of the ordinary. The extra soreness happened almost immediately. Laying in bed on my stomach felt like a mammogram. The act of putting on a bra was most similar to someone grating sandpaper over my nipples. It was not pleasant.

Everything Smells Rotten

There are a few things that I could gag at with just a passing thought – uncooked ricotta being one of them. I was at swim practice and the word ‘ricotta’ popped into my mind and I nearly barfed in the pool.

I always hate the smell of all-day-worn cologne, but the smell was even more repulsive now. Everything in the fridge reeked. The rugs smell. My car smells. Walking by a restaurant when they’re blowing their nasty fried food smell out the vents made my head swivel. Cigarette smoke was pungent. Basically – everything with a smell was horrible.

Queasy

Listen, I’m thankful that the headliner here doesn’t read “barfing my face off”. I haven’t puked yet, thank god. But queasy, a little nauseas, feeling a little pukey – yep, I got all of that. Luckily, the yuck feeling faded away since about 8 weeks.

Tired

I think I’ll just take a little nap.

2 hours later…

That happened about every day until week 9.

I got a boost when my doc said I could exercise all I wanted as long as I kept a conversational pace. She also upped the heart rate from 140 to 160, noting that I would be able to tell if I was overdoing it because I would start to feel crampy. That gave me some confidence to stop being a wimp and to go ahead and swim and not be a total slacker.

Digestion and Constipation

What’s for desert tonight, Colace or Metamucil? All of a sudden my metabolism plummeted to that a 90 year-old women. The pregnancy hormones slow down the way food is processed through your body to send more nutrition off to the baby, and in turn… everything gets stuck.

This may have been the most frustrating symptom. Even worse, if I ate something that was bad for me it was now curdling in my system for days and making me feel like I had food poisoning.

Amazingly though, somewhere in the last couple of weeks this symptom has let up.

Starting to Show

Some people say that they don’t see a difference for a while – not for me. I saw my waistline change almost immediately. My body was like an elastic band stretching in every which way until it found its comfort zone. Now at 19 weeks I’m definitely showing but still in denial that this isn’t just a food baby. Generally, it’s more fun now to be showing rather than feeling strangely bloated and out-of-the-normal yet undetectable that you’re pregnant to other people.

Gaining Weight

For the first 12 weeks I gained 1-2 pounds and in the last 6 weeks (from 12 to 18 weeks) I gained about 8-9 pounds. The cumulative affect when I got on the scale was shock and horror. I hadn’t seen that number on the scale since college. The nurses and doctors assured me that the amount of weight I’ve gained is normal – but it took some convincing. Some people say that it comes on at different times in your pregnancy. I’m wondering if that may be the case for me too. I really do feel like the my body just didn’t know what end was up for the last couple of months and that its now finding a more comfortable place. Hopefully the weight gain will even out from here.

Insomnia

I started writing this at about 3:30 am. Nuff said.

Heartburn

I’ve had a couple of heartburn attacks, and they really suck. And they say it gets worse further into the pregnancy. Crossing my f ingers now.

Cravings

In hindsight, there were a few things that I definitely enjoyed eating more than others especially in the first 12 weeks. I craved lemonade… really anything with a lemon in it – popsicles, juice, whatever. I ate a ton of fruit (although it’s summer and that’s fairly normal for me anyway) and I loved grill cheese sandwiches. Veggies were a no-go, fried food was disgusting (except homemade grill cheese), and my desire for carbs has gone way up. Coffee, soda and alcohol repulsed me, but now I can drink decaf without a problem.

At this point the smells and funny feelings have long passed and I’m able to pretty much eat anything.

“Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby”

My friend Kris told me early on, “healthy mom, healthy baby” and to think positively. Those words have been comforting because all anyone wants is for things to progress well and healthily – but no one can control what happens in utero.

All in all I’m feeling pretty good!

The process has been wonderful so far and we’re looking forward to what’s to come!

AT Hiking: Lonesome Lake and Kinsman Ridge Trail

Now that I'm back East and away from my beloved vistas of Colorado my goal is to expose myself to the beauties that exist here and paint my mental map of Northeast. Heck, we have the Appalachian Trail that runs through the Berkshires of Western Mass through the Green Mountains of Vermont to New Hampshire's White Mountains and onward to Mount Katahdin in Maine. People travel from all corners of the world to check out what I've got in my backyard.

With help from some friends, Sam Moulton and Kendall Chun, I got hooked up with the AMC maps for the White Mountains and some ideas on where to go with Zion. Sam suggested doing the Old Bridle Path loop up to Mount Lafayette and hiking along Franconia Ridge; or doing a loop just south of that spot up to Mt Liberty. Of the two, the Mt Liberty loop looks more do-able for a day hike, but steep. Since this is early season still I knew there could be ice and snow still on the trail, less now than in other years due to our lack of snowfall this year, but even so I decided to avoid that one. After inspecting the map a little closer I spotted a loop just south of Cannon Mountain Resort that would take me past an AMC hut with some options to hike longer.

I never calculated the whole distance out because I figured I would just hike up to the hut and decide from there where to go based on how much energy I had. It all worked out, after all I am writing to tell about it, but gosh it ended up being a strenuous day.

Two miles into the hike I arrived at the intersection of Lonesome Lake Trail and Kinsman Ridge. I could hike 1 mi up to Cannon Mountain, or hike 2.4 mi along Kinsman Ridge...still leaving me with a decent distance to cover to complete the loop. With too much energy left to turn around, I looked up the Kinsman Ridge Trail which was fairly steep and sparsely covered with melting ice. Hoping it wouldn't get too much worse in other sections, I decided to take my chances and do the whole loop. 

In addition to the 2 mi I had already covered, the loop would take me along Kinsman Ridge Trail (2.4 mi) down Fishin' Jimmy Trail (1.9 mi) past the hut then back to the car (1.6 mi). I was a little nervous to take this on alone especially with the spring conditions and I knew I would be pushing it to complete the mileage and before dark - but I went for it anyway.

Needless to say, the conditions did get icier and steeper. But, I got into a groove of using the rocks and trees as hand holds and stepping from side to side on the trail to find exposed rock or moss for footing. I usually don't put my hands on trees or rocks for fear of touching a bug, but I got a little more fearless as the hike went on. Plus, I passed a family while descending which gave me a little more confidence knowing that I wasn't out there totally on my own. Despite the little boost, my legs were getting pretty close to giving out.

Altogether, I covered just over 8 mi. The hike was completely wooded with only a couple of views along the way and there was nothing above tree line. For all but the path up to Lonesome Lake it was tough hiking with each step requiring a huge step up or down a rock.

The AMC Lonesome Lake hut was beautifully situated overlooking the lake with a deck and docks by the water. It looks like a popular place to go with kids because it's so easy to access.

All in all, it was a great and very tiring day. Now, 2 days later my legs are still totally cooked and I'm walking one step at a time when going down the stairs. 

To do this hike:

• Park at Lafayette Campground parking lot 2 mi South of exit 34B for Cannon tramway. There are tent camping sites here but it's right next to the highway. It would be a good spot to drive to and camp overnight if you want to get an early start but not a scenic or private camping ground.
• Lonesome Lake Trail to lake (you can see hut from here) and continue on Lonesome Lake Trail to Kinsman Ridge Trail
• Kinsman Ridge Trail to Fishin' Jimmy Trail
• Fishin' Jimmy Trail to AMC Lonesome Lake Hut
• Lonesome Lake Trail to parking lot
• 8 mi and challenging

Unfolding

A friend of mine, Becky Munsterer, recently got some press on her new blog where each day she writes a new page contributing to an ever evolving story. The article explains that it's like taking old school soaps and putting a new age twist on it by delivering a daily fix by blog form. I love the idea and that it's getting attention. And in light an interesting turn of events, it made me feel guilty for not doing the exact same thing.

Since my last post about my own happiness project, incredible things started to happen.

The first thing was love.
The second thing was freedom.
The third thing was enablement.

In the last two months I skied Vail and Beaver Creek repeatedly, took a trip to Jackson Hole and Telluride, spent 10 days in Florida with my family, and moved from my beloved Denver back to Boston.

The adventures were both spectacular and enlightening. Being outdoors and harnessing its awe made my heart overwhelmingly happy and grateful. With those great feelings I found myself projecting my love and happiness onto other things.

I also found my own joy magnified in those around me.

In other words, as my happiness increased - the happiness of those around me also increased. The more I smiled at the person across from me, the more he smiled back at me. The more positive I became, the more positive he became.

Events began to unfold in the most unusual way. It was as if my "I wish" thoughts sprung to life. When I pondered how I could be back in Boston this upcoming year to be with my love, a change in work gave me the freedom to move back. With that freedom I was able to spend each day in the way that I wanted - playing outdoors and taking Zion on great adventures. The happier I became, the happier those around me became.

The amalgamation of these occurrences has been magnificent, inspired from within and yet potentially greater than me.

Seven months ago, I posted the following statement on Facebook:

Just got to believe that every move I make has a role to play, and every decision I regret had a purpose, and one day all of those steps will come together in a way that creates something glorious.

Things are unfolding in a wonderful way and I do not doubt that each one of my experiences, each accomplishment and misstep have led me to where I am today. And it's a good place to be.

As they say in yoga class... where you are is where you are meant to be.

My Happiness Project

I'm not going to tell you hold old I'm turning in two weeks, but let's just say that I'm not in my 20s anymore and it's two of the same number back to back. I suppose that has something to do with what I'm about to say.

In the notes section of my iPhone I have a list called my happiness project. Under that section I have random thoughts and reminders that I have jotted down for myself dating back to October 26th, 2010. It's interesting to look back at the things I thought were important at the time and see how I'm dealing with them now. I have a note about my sentiment when changing companies, ideas on the triathlon I want to produce, my "three things" I want out of a relationship, people's birthdays and vacations that I want to take. One note in particular that I like, posted on December 25, 2010, simply says "stop drinking, you can't sleep."

One of the things that I absolutely love about my life is that it's very social. I love hanging out with my girlfriends, I regularly go on dates (thanks to match.com) and I do fun activities on the weekends like skiing. When you're like me and pack all of that and more into one week, it's often difficult to decide which night warrants a celebratory beverage. If the girls come over - you know there is wine, if I'm on a date - you know there is beer, and at après ski on the weekends - you know there is a frosty brew.

Last summer, I gave up drinking for the duration of my brother's deployment in Afghanistan. In the first couple of weeks my sugar cravings went way up. I wanted candy or ice cream and my beverage of choice was an Arnold Palmer stacked with sugary lemonade. After a couple of months, these cravings subsided and I fell into a more normal routine. My sense of smell heightened and I could smell the sweetness of wine from across the table, my taste buds became stronger and the my clarity of thought was exciting. I could stay up later and still have the energy to leap out of bed in the morning. Moreover, I really enjoyed this way of life.

Once Dary got back, and since he was my reason for not indulging, I clicked a celebratory brew with him in August. Since then, I moved back to Colorado and I've been catching up with friends, going on lots of dates and skiing every weekend. And again, I've fallen into a pattern where it is hard to distinguish which night should be the "party" night.

On a side note, when I do partake in adult beverages I usually drink two beers, which is more than enough for me to feel the effects. Despite not having a lot to drink I still get mad at myself for having any at all. My friends say to me - Abby, it's not like you drink a lot and it's OK to have a couple of beers. I suppose I'm telling you this to give you a sense of my habits, which are not necessarily of overindulgence but rather of too frequent of indulgence, at least for my standards.

I find that even if I just have one beer with dinner when I'm out on a date that I still get mad at myself. Getting back to that note that I left myself in my phone over a year ago, which said "stop drinking, you can't sleep," I find that even half a glass of wine has the potential to disrupt my sleeping patterns as well as my energy for the next day. Moreover, I want a level of control in my life that excludes this type of behavior.

There are a couple of other things that have influenced my thought process on this matter. The first is, I'm at the age where I expect the people around me to have the discipline to not drink if they are driving and to not drink to dullness, as Ben Franklin said in his 13 virtues. My point here is that I want to act in the way that I expect others to act.

The other reason is derived from my age, my goals and what I see happening among my friends. It's no secret that I am single and want to get married and have kids. Biologically, I want to protect my assets so when time is right, I'll be ready and able to reproduce. The fact is, women are born with a certain number of eggs and those degrade over time. The scary thing is, I have friends who are trying to conceive and they are having trouble due to degrading eggs or simply because of age, literally, as pronounced by medical tests. In my own head I do believe that good nutrition and health could have a positive impact on keeping every part of my body in good working condition, including those little eggs inside of me.

I think that a compounding factor to why I enjoy beer is related to my sugar addiction. When I was training for the Ironman I believe that I subconsciously taught my body that if I was even a smidgen of tired or hungry that I should pop a chocolate gu or eat something. Despite my historic love for sugar, this habit of popping sugar bites has transcended into my every day life. At work the thought will cross my mind, ooh, I'd love some chocolate right now. Or, ooh, I want some skittles. Last Friday morning as I finished up my coffee, I got one of these thoughts at 10:30am and I thought - woa, I'm addicted to sugar. I think that consuming beer satisfies that subconscious smidgen of desire to pop some sugar in my mouth and quench that little urge.

Hinging on the New Year and what I felt should be my resolutions, I decided last Friday to go cold turkey on alcohol and sugar.

A week later I'm in the airport, heading home from a business trip and find a book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I found that her reason for taking on a year of happiness, as the book describes, closely parallels many of the things I've thought about in my own life. Despite the fact that I'm in an amazing phase of my life and bursting with more happiness than I remember having in years, I still have times when I think - wow I'm so lucky and I have so much, so why is it that I fail to appreciate it more in the moment?. She goes on to list the things that make her happy, and I did the same in the notes section of my iPhone, once again.

My list of things that make me happy looks like this:

• Exercise, walking Zion every morning, fresh air
• Skiing in powder with friends
• Socializing
• Being busy, resting when needed
• Being aware, awake and alive (not drinking alcohol, like caffeine)
• Having control of my health (no candy)
• Good reputation at work
• Being influential, thoughtful and wise
• Good conversation to pass time or contemplate my new big idea
• Being productive
• Family
• Enjoying nature, being natural
• Reading vs electronic stimulation
• Laughing
• Feeling loved, loving others, seeing Zion happy
• Getting up and outside early in the morning
• Sun and blue skies
• Cleanliness and order
• Cooking / baking

As I turn 33 (oops! I told you) and celebrate this year by acting like the person that I want to be, I see no reason to not start my own happiness project. In the book, Gretchen adds a new theme each month. I already have my first theme (cold turkey on alcohol and sugar) and some ideas for other things that I want to do. One that isn't listed above, because I've never really done it before, is volunteering. I also really like the idea of getting up early in the morning to enjoy the best part of the day and pushing myself to be more consistently industrious at work and life.

Regardless of what I decide to be the most important activities on my happiness list, I am vowing to myself to stop doing things that I don't like and act like the person that I want to be.

Early Season Skiing at Vail

Last weekend I had the pleasure of hosting a friend and skiing at Vail for three days in a row. Although it is still early season, the conditions were beautiful - although maybe I'm thinking that because it's my first debut skiing out West since spending the last two seasons in the East - but then again, maybe not. We absolutely tore it up. Here's a clip of skiing in Vail, a lil peek at what we got into.

Sunday morning brought a nice suprise of 9 inches of fresh snow. It seemed like soft swirling of snow the entire day before, the kind that never hits the ground, but somehow it built up over night.
Monday morning we hit the trail early with Zion, my mountain dog. He usually gets to run around without working but since seeing two coyotes at the base of Peak 8 in Breckenridge a couple of weeks ago, he's now learning the meaning of "earn your turns." Check out the sick harness.

I wanted to imbed the video and images for you but due to technical errors, I'm sharing links today instead. More coming about skinning up Peak 8 in Breckenridge.

My Brother is Home

We walk through life with immense power and ability; yet when it is taken from us we are at thee mercy.



Over the loud speaker the stuartess announced 'please be respectful as we honor the fallen soldier who we have transported tonight.'

Silence shot through the hearts of those who watched. His comrades in dress uniform stood by the family as the casket was lowered from the plane and moved across the tarmac. Standing witness, my father wept.



The pilots say that they could hear his screams over the radio commands and blade slap.

My brother's legs hung freely out of the helicopter, as did his comrade's. A moment later he was responding to an unexpected rescue - his own comrade's leg was shot in two places from the ground. The mission was aborted.

I stood at the airport waiting. Waiting to see him.



Amidst the commotion and anticipation
I saw him from afar
and tears fell down my face.

Good Life

My two year return-to-Boston anniversary is coming up and as I think back on the time I've spent here I worry that I used the love and support of my family and friends selfishly to heal from a broken heart. But when I think back on the things that I did, I accomplished much more. I saw my two best friends get married and one have a baby, I trained like a maniac and I have endless memories of the beautiful and historic rolling hills of northwest Boston. I completed an Ironman. I spent lots of time with my family and I've met some really great people. I got a new and more fulfilling job and I moved to Charlestown and became a toonie.

It's easy to be nostalgic about the wonderful things we've done and seen. Just yesterday I was looking at pictures from Jackson Hole and Colorado and it left me in a sad place. I think about all the opportunities that I've had, where I am today and if I've taken the right path. My dad said yesterday, "The past doesn't matter because it's gone. What matters is what we do today and every day moving forward."

I feel guilty.

I want to go but I feel like if I do I'm giving up on this place. To whom or what? I don't know. Perhaps it's the effort - the chance that I'm giving Boston to become my home - and the realization that I don't want it. I think about what my life would be like if I settle here and my gut tells me that I don't want it. I want true freedom and the opportunity to make decisions without feeling like I have a pre-existing path set forth for me.

Boston is beautiful. But it's hard.

I took a walk in the woods yesterday with my mom and Zion, and she said "It seems like you have a heavy blanket on you. I can feel your sadness and I don't want that for you. If you think you're going to be happy in Colorado, then I want you to go. But I don't want you to go if you're going to be sad there too."

I put effort into being happy.

It's not easy to be happy here. There are road blocks. Attitudes that make it hard to go with the flow and unwind, get loose.

It's a lifestyle that I'm seeking.

In Colorado, the days are longer, the air is clearer, the vibe is open and playful. The skies are blue and the mountains are ever present. Existence is natural.

I don't want to go for the wrong reasons.

There is much that I would be leaving behind and it saddens me. But I see peace and freedom ahead of me.