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What's Weighing on Me

People kindly ask all the time "how are you feeling!?" I've come to realize that unless this person has been pregnant or is pregnant, they're really not ready for my response. I'm inclined to simply answer "good!" But the reality is a little touch and go.

The way I'm feeling now that I'm almost 26 weeks pregnant versus how I felt in the first trimester is vastly different.

In the first trimester, I was worried all the time. I read every pregnancy book I could find and was only concerned that the pregnancy would progress. I also had different symptoms then - queasiness, smelling abilities like a hound dog, soreness, insomnia... and other wonderful little things of which I'll spare you.

Somewhere in between then and now, my mind has grown to accept that I am pregnant. I've lost track of what week I am in the pregnancy, I haven't been thinking about the process as much and generally getting more used to this phenomenon.

What's weighing on me now is a little different. I've found that I'm now more emotional, more uncomfortable, and gaining weight like crazy. In the grand scheme of things, these complaints really aren't too bad. But - if you're ready to know "how I'm feeling" ... read on.

Craughing 
As a friend so aptly referred to it - I've developed an anomaly called craughing - which is a combination of crying and laughing at the same time. I'll start laughing at something, then start crying, then laugh at myself for crying... and the whole thing turns into this strange howl that I can't control. I've also found myself crying in random places, like the middle of a Walgreens parking lot when I broke down for no other reason than feeling uncomfortable.

Pillow Talk
And then there is the pillow talk, or needing a pillow to wedge under my belly when I side sleep at night. Luckily there has been a break in my nightly routine from waking up at 2:30am every morning to one that allows me to sleep through the night. And as for the other kind of pillow talk - that's a whole other story.

Exercise
I'm convinced that anyone who says they "loved being pregnant" is either on some amazing endorphins or was not an athlete beforehand (sorry peeps). The essence of "going slow" is at a whole new level with a 25 pound belly (and yes, I realize my belly does not weigh that much... it's in my a$$ and my face and everywhere else... but I'm going with it - okay!?)

Let's start with running. To warm up I move just faster than a walk which gets the stomach muscles bobbled around and loosened up. The first 15 minutes of that feels like a mild bladder infection. After about 1 mile I generally have to stop to pee. Then I get a nice little kick in performance for a few minutes until I reach my max threshold at about 20-30 minutes of movement, and then I'm done.

As for swimming, forget the rotation and pulling action. It's more akin to a bobbing walrus wafting through the water. If I pull too hard, it tightens the stomach muscles in a strange way which is pretty uncomfortable. Again, 20 minutes is about my maximum output.

I tried prenatal yoga, and loved it. It would make a non-preggie fall asleep, but the subtle movements and stretching feel great.

Thank god for walking. It's my new form of fitness. Otherwise, exercise has become an act of going slow, breathing, and getting the blood to circulate.

Weight Gain
In my head I never wanted to be that girl who gained a ton of weight during pregnancy. But - here I am... gaining more and more every day. I think my problem is that I had this expectation that I would be fit during pregnancy, and I really just need to let it go and embrace that I don't have control over my body right now. Having gained 10 pounds on back-to-back doctor visits had me shocked. Luckily, the doctors are really cool and they just try to talk you off a ledge rather than telling you you're doing something wrong - or worse - to improve your diet. I love my Doc!

Food, food and more food
What does a pregnant woman crave? The answer is, simply - food! :-) If I get even a tinge of hunger and I don't have food in front of me, I'll either start to cry or claw my way to get some. Lately, I've been leaning towards heartier offerings, including bran muffins with molasses and heavy yogurts with oatmeal. I generally lean towards cheeses, heavy carb meals and anything delicious.

Here are a couple of concoctions that I've tried and enjoyed lately:

Farmgirl Susan's Bran Muffin Recipe
2 cups (5¾oz / 164g) organic wheat bran
1 cup (5oz / 141g) organic oat bran
1 cup (6oz / 170g) organic whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons (12g) baking soda1 teaspoon (6g) baking powder1/2 teaspoon (4g) salt2 large eggs
2/3 cup (5oz by weight / 156g) milk
2/3 cup (5½oz / 156g) yogurt
1/3 cup (2¼oz / 65g) safflower oil (or other neutral oil or melted organic butter)
1/3 cup (3¾oz / 108g) honey
1 teaspoon (6g) pure vanilla extract (optional)


1/3 cup (3¾oz / 108g) sweet molasses (not blackstrap) or cane syrup

Instructions:
Place an oven rack in the middle of the oven and heat the oven to 375°. Grease a standard size muffin pan or line the cups with unbleached baking cups.

Combine the wheat bran, oat bran, whole wheat flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl and set aside. Combine the eggs, milk, yogurt, canola oil, molasses, and honey in a small bowl and mix well. (Note: you can use all honey or all molasses instead if desired.)

Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix with a rubber spatula just until combined.

Generously fill the muffin cups with batter. I use a large stainless steel scoop, which is also great for portioning out cookie dough.

Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 20 to 25 minutes. Cool the muffins in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, then carefully remove them and serve warm, or let them cool on a wire rack.

Y-Oatmeal Bomb (my own concoction)
1 serving size container of strawberry Chobani yogurt
1/2 cup oatmeal
sprinkle of cinnamon
1 banana (or other fruit)
1 tablespoon finely chopped walnuts
1 teaspoon flax seed

Instructions:
Mix it up and enjoy.

I'd give you the recipe for smarties and other little goodies I eat... but I think you may already know how to find those :-)

So - to answer the question "how am I feeling?" ... the answer is pretty good! However, there are unmistakable ups and downs. Of course, I wouldn't change the scenario for anything, but it is fun to banter about it now and again.

Previous Post: We've been waiting for you 
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We've been waiting for you

And reading about you.... I picked up a book written by a Doula which provides insights on the actual birthing process. It's giving me a lot to think about. Some of the topics that it has me pondering are getting a walking epidural, squatting the baby out or using a birthing position that leverages gravity, laboring down and lubricant. And no - I had no idea any of those things were topics of birthing before reading this book. 

The book implies that women in labor don't get the attention or emotional support that they need at a typical hospital - that is without the assistance of a doula or a midwife. I suppose that I can believe that given that nurses and doctors may be constantly checking on you but not sitting by your side the whole time. It's an appealing concept to have a doula there to talk you through the event and to suggest different positions to relieve pain or help with things like "laboring down" - which is the natural process of the baby lowering into the ready position. 

The book also implies that more drugs and surgical procedures are used without the presence of a doula. In general I'd rather use smaller doses of drugs and avoid having a c-section, if possible. Friends tell me that even when they can't feel a thing after having an epidural that they can still push. If I can handle the pain then I'd like to feel something - so that I feel more in control and involved in the process and to avoid the potential side affects of lowering blood flow to the baby.

There's so much more to learn about all of these topics and so much more to discuss. Luckily I have Pat and I'll be relying on him heavily throughout the process. Of course, neither one of us know much about what's going on but doing it together is pretty awesome!

Previous Post: Belly pics: watching #babycoyle grow
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Belly pics: watching #babycoyle grow

8 weeks

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19 weeks

19 weeks

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21 weeks

Hello World

So – I’m pregnant.

And - it’s pretty awesome.

Golly – let’s just start with – how afraid was I that this would never happen?! I was so afraid that I would never find the right guy and that I would never get to this point – and then all within one year I meet my guy, get engaged and get preggie! Halleluiah!

The process of being pregnant has been fascinating. At first I didn’t believe that I was actually pregnant, and now that I’m almost 19 weeks I’m still in denial that I’m actually showing and that it’s not just a food baby.

Let’s start from the beginning:

Finding Out

I was officially home in Boston for less than a month and boom – I got pregnant. 8 pregnancy tests later and I was still thinking, nah…

I was in complete disbelief.

I’ve been wanting this but it was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that “I, in this moment am pregnant.”

The first few weeks of knowing were bizarre.

First off - I was completely paranoid that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that my fallopian tube was going to explode any day. Then I realized that instead of just feeling crampy, I would probably be in pain and bleeding – so I decided that I was probably ok.

I didn’t have health insurance at the time so I never got to validate from a doc that I was pregnant. Every home-pregnancy-test that I took had a vague and not so clear line – so I just wasn’t sure. Finally, at the 9 week appointment the doc told me that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit (it’s normally the size of a fist) and that if I were having an ectopic pregnancy then I would have had surgery by now!

Still – this all seemed so unbelievable. I couldn’t make excuses for my symptoms, however. Having those is what told me I must be pregnant.

The First Sign - Sore Mams

When wearing a sports bra becomes more comfortable than a normal bra – you know something is out of the ordinary. The extra soreness happened almost immediately. Laying in bed on my stomach felt like a mammogram. The act of putting on a bra was most similar to someone grating sandpaper over my nipples. It was not pleasant.

Everything Smells Rotten

There are a few things that I could gag at with just a passing thought – uncooked ricotta being one of them. I was at swim practice and the word ‘ricotta’ popped into my mind and I nearly barfed in the pool.

I always hate the smell of all-day-worn cologne, but the smell was even more repulsive now. Everything in the fridge reeked. The rugs smell. My car smells. Walking by a restaurant when they’re blowing their nasty fried food smell out the vents made my head swivel. Cigarette smoke was pungent. Basically – everything with a smell was horrible.

Queasy

Listen, I’m thankful that the headliner here doesn’t read “barfing my face off”. I haven’t puked yet, thank god. But queasy, a little nauseas, feeling a little pukey – yep, I got all of that. Luckily, the yuck feeling faded away since about 8 weeks.

Tired

I think I’ll just take a little nap.

2 hours later…

That happened about every day until week 9.

I got a boost when my doc said I could exercise all I wanted as long as I kept a conversational pace. She also upped the heart rate from 140 to 160, noting that I would be able to tell if I was overdoing it because I would start to feel crampy. That gave me some confidence to stop being a wimp and to go ahead and swim and not be a total slacker.

Digestion and Constipation

What’s for desert tonight, Colace or Metamucil? All of a sudden my metabolism plummeted to that a 90 year-old women. The pregnancy hormones slow down the way food is processed through your body to send more nutrition off to the baby, and in turn… everything gets stuck.

This may have been the most frustrating symptom. Even worse, if I ate something that was bad for me it was now curdling in my system for days and making me feel like I had food poisoning.

Amazingly though, somewhere in the last couple of weeks this symptom has let up.

Starting to Show

Some people say that they don’t see a difference for a while – not for me. I saw my waistline change almost immediately. My body was like an elastic band stretching in every which way until it found its comfort zone. Now at 19 weeks I’m definitely showing but still in denial that this isn’t just a food baby. Generally, it’s more fun now to be showing rather than feeling strangely bloated and out-of-the-normal yet undetectable that you’re pregnant to other people.

Gaining Weight

For the first 12 weeks I gained 1-2 pounds and in the last 6 weeks (from 12 to 18 weeks) I gained about 8-9 pounds. The cumulative affect when I got on the scale was shock and horror. I hadn’t seen that number on the scale since college. The nurses and doctors assured me that the amount of weight I’ve gained is normal – but it took some convincing. Some people say that it comes on at different times in your pregnancy. I’m wondering if that may be the case for me too. I really do feel like the my body just didn’t know what end was up for the last couple of months and that its now finding a more comfortable place. Hopefully the weight gain will even out from here.

Insomnia

I started writing this at about 3:30 am. Nuff said.

Heartburn

I’ve had a couple of heartburn attacks, and they really suck. And they say it gets worse further into the pregnancy. Crossing my f ingers now.

Cravings

In hindsight, there were a few things that I definitely enjoyed eating more than others especially in the first 12 weeks. I craved lemonade… really anything with a lemon in it – popsicles, juice, whatever. I ate a ton of fruit (although it’s summer and that’s fairly normal for me anyway) and I loved grill cheese sandwiches. Veggies were a no-go, fried food was disgusting (except homemade grill cheese), and my desire for carbs has gone way up. Coffee, soda and alcohol repulsed me, but now I can drink decaf without a problem.

At this point the smells and funny feelings have long passed and I’m able to pretty much eat anything.

“Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby”

My friend Kris told me early on, “healthy mom, healthy baby” and to think positively. Those words have been comforting because all anyone wants is for things to progress well and healthily – but no one can control what happens in utero.

All in all I’m feeling pretty good!

The process has been wonderful so far and we’re looking forward to what’s to come!

AT Hiking: Lonesome Lake and Kinsman Ridge Trail

Now that I'm back East and away from my beloved vistas of Colorado my goal is to expose myself to the beauties that exist here and paint my mental map of Northeast. Heck, we have the Appalachian Trail that runs through the Berkshires of Western Mass through the Green Mountains of Vermont to New Hampshire's White Mountains and onward to Mount Katahdin in Maine. People travel from all corners of the world to check out what I've got in my backyard.

With help from some friends, Sam Moulton and Kendall Chun, I got hooked up with the AMC maps for the White Mountains and some ideas on where to go with Zion. Sam suggested doing the Old Bridle Path loop up to Mount Lafayette and hiking along Franconia Ridge; or doing a loop just south of that spot up to Mt Liberty. Of the two, the Mt Liberty loop looks more do-able for a day hike, but steep. Since this is early season still I knew there could be ice and snow still on the trail, less now than in other years due to our lack of snowfall this year, but even so I decided to avoid that one. After inspecting the map a little closer I spotted a loop just south of Cannon Mountain Resort that would take me past an AMC hut with some options to hike longer.

I never calculated the whole distance out because I figured I would just hike up to the hut and decide from there where to go based on how much energy I had. It all worked out, after all I am writing to tell about it, but gosh it ended up being a strenuous day.

Two miles into the hike I arrived at the intersection of Lonesome Lake Trail and Kinsman Ridge. I could hike 1 mi up to Cannon Mountain, or hike 2.4 mi along Kinsman Ridge...still leaving me with a decent distance to cover to complete the loop. With too much energy left to turn around, I looked up the Kinsman Ridge Trail which was fairly steep and sparsely covered with melting ice. Hoping it wouldn't get too much worse in other sections, I decided to take my chances and do the whole loop. 

In addition to the 2 mi I had already covered, the loop would take me along Kinsman Ridge Trail (2.4 mi) down Fishin' Jimmy Trail (1.9 mi) past the hut then back to the car (1.6 mi). I was a little nervous to take this on alone especially with the spring conditions and I knew I would be pushing it to complete the mileage and before dark - but I went for it anyway.

Needless to say, the conditions did get icier and steeper. But, I got into a groove of using the rocks and trees as hand holds and stepping from side to side on the trail to find exposed rock or moss for footing. I usually don't put my hands on trees or rocks for fear of touching a bug, but I got a little more fearless as the hike went on. Plus, I passed a family while descending which gave me a little more confidence knowing that I wasn't out there totally on my own. Despite the little boost, my legs were getting pretty close to giving out.

Altogether, I covered just over 8 mi. The hike was completely wooded with only a couple of views along the way and there was nothing above tree line. For all but the path up to Lonesome Lake it was tough hiking with each step requiring a huge step up or down a rock.

The AMC Lonesome Lake hut was beautifully situated overlooking the lake with a deck and docks by the water. It looks like a popular place to go with kids because it's so easy to access.

All in all, it was a great and very tiring day. Now, 2 days later my legs are still totally cooked and I'm walking one step at a time when going down the stairs. 

To do this hike:

• Park at Lafayette Campground parking lot 2 mi South of exit 34B for Cannon tramway. There are tent camping sites here but it's right next to the highway. It would be a good spot to drive to and camp overnight if you want to get an early start but not a scenic or private camping ground.
• Lonesome Lake Trail to lake (you can see hut from here) and continue on Lonesome Lake Trail to Kinsman Ridge Trail
• Kinsman Ridge Trail to Fishin' Jimmy Trail
• Fishin' Jimmy Trail to AMC Lonesome Lake Hut
• Lonesome Lake Trail to parking lot
• 8 mi and challenging

Unfolding

A friend of mine, Becky Munsterer, recently got some press on her new blog where each day she writes a new page contributing to an ever evolving story. The article explains that it's like taking old school soaps and putting a new age twist on it by delivering a daily fix by blog form. I love the idea and that it's getting attention. And in light an interesting turn of events, it made me feel guilty for not doing the exact same thing.

Since my last post about my own happiness project, incredible things started to happen.

The first thing was love.
The second thing was freedom.
The third thing was enablement.

In the last two months I skied Vail and Beaver Creek repeatedly, took a trip to Jackson Hole and Telluride, spent 10 days in Florida with my family, and moved from my beloved Denver back to Boston.

The adventures were both spectacular and enlightening. Being outdoors and harnessing its awe made my heart overwhelmingly happy and grateful. With those great feelings I found myself projecting my love and happiness onto other things.

I also found my own joy magnified in those around me.

In other words, as my happiness increased - the happiness of those around me also increased. The more I smiled at the person across from me, the more he smiled back at me. The more positive I became, the more positive he became.

Events began to unfold in the most unusual way. It was as if my "I wish" thoughts sprung to life. When I pondered how I could be back in Boston this upcoming year to be with my love, a change in work gave me the freedom to move back. With that freedom I was able to spend each day in the way that I wanted - playing outdoors and taking Zion on great adventures. The happier I became, the happier those around me became.

The amalgamation of these occurrences has been magnificent, inspired from within and yet potentially greater than me.

Seven months ago, I posted the following statement on Facebook:

Just got to believe that every move I make has a role to play, and every decision I regret had a purpose, and one day all of those steps will come together in a way that creates something glorious.

Things are unfolding in a wonderful way and I do not doubt that each one of my experiences, each accomplishment and misstep have led me to where I am today. And it's a good place to be.

As they say in yoga class... where you are is where you are meant to be.